|
Home
Directory
 |
2000 Survival Guide for Taking a Dump at Work.
Memorize these definitions and pooping at work will become a pure pleasure.
ESCAPEE
Definition: A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal
orforcing poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden
wave of panic/embarrassment. This is similar to the hot flash you
receive when passing an unseen police car and speeding. If you
release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen.
If you are standing next to the farter at the urinal, pretend that
you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee, it is uncomfortable for
all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.
JAILBREAK (Used in conjunction with escapee)
Definition: When forcing poop, several farts slip out at a machine
guns pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover.
If this should happen do not panic, remain in the stall until
everyone has left the bathroom so to spare everyone the awkwardness
of what just occurred.
COURTESY FLUSH
Definition: The act of flushing the toilet the instant the nose cone
of the poop log hits the water and the poop is whisked away to an
undisclosed location. This reduces the amount of air time the poop
has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught
doing the WALK OF SHAME.
WALK OF SHAME
Definition: Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after
you have just stunk-up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable
moment if someone walks in. As with all farts, it is best to pretend
that the smell does not exist.
OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER
Definition: A colleague who poops at work and is damn proud of it.
You will often see an Out of the Closet Pooper enter the bathroom
with a newspaper or magazine under their arm. Always look around the
office for the Out of the Closet pooper before entering the bathroom.
THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (PFN)
Definition: A group of coworkers who band together to ensure
emergency pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you
to monitor the whereabouts of OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPERS and identify
SAFE HAVENS.
SAFE HAVEN
Definition: A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where
you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of
the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex
entering the bathroom.
TURD BURGLAR
Definition: A pooper who does not realize that you are in the stall
and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking
and vulnerable moments that occur when taking a dump at work. If this
occurs, remain in the stall until the TURD BURG leaves. This way you
will void all uncomfortable eye contact.
CAMO-COUGH
Definition: A phony cough which alerts all new entrants into the
bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a
WATERMELON or to alert potential TURD BURGLARS. Very effective when
used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.
ASTAIRE
Definition: A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential TURD
BURGLARS that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt
that the stall is occupied. If you hear an ASTAIRE, leave the
bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.
WATERMELON
Definition: A turd that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet
water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a
WATERMELON coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.
HAVANA OMELET
Definition: A load of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes
in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an escapee. Try using a
CAMO-COUGH with an ASTAIRE.
UNCLE TED
Definition: A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could
spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on
the pot. An UNCLE TED makes it difficult to relax while on the
crapper, as you should always wait to drop your load when the
bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees.
FLY BY
Definition: The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk
in, check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom,
leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a...
FREQUENT FLYER.
Definition: People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly
going into the bathroom.
CRACK WHORE
Definition: A crapper that has seen more ass than a Greyhound Bus.
Tell tale signs of a CRACK WHORE include pubes, piss stains and shit
streaks. Avoid a CRACK WHORES at all cost. Try finding out when the
janitor cleans each particular bathroom. Don't forget, a CRACK WHORE
can become a SAFE HAVEN.
|
....
a Site by HotPikz